Cycling Monologues No 36 The Weight Fanatic

So anyway I got this new bike it’s a Trek Emonda which is like French for stripped because it’s the lightest production bike ever it weighs like 5 kilos all built up I got these Lightweight no really that’s what they’re called wheels they’re German but still the lightest production wheels ever made and I got SRAM Red for it which is the lightest group-set mechanical or electronic shit that you can buy and Speedplay pedals like Wiggins uses they’re made of titanium the saddle that’s one of the problem areas on a bike so I got this ultra lightweight Fizik saddle and I got a knife and some sandpaper and I’ve basically stripped it right back almost to the rails which are carbon obviously I mean it’s totally uncomfortable but it weighs like I mean absolutely no grams at all, I’ve got these special Deda carbon bars and a carbon stem they are literally the lightest ever made this whole bike could be in the Guinness Book of Records it’s so light I took the Garmin mount off and got rid of the Garmin and I didn’t put any bar tape on and that saved like 10 grams and I never carry a bottle so that weight is saved I took the bolts out I got this jersey from Rapha it’s made of this special silk from these endangered silkworms in Borneo which is like so light it could literally float away and I cut the pocket and the zip off, I’ve got these silk shorts they’re like bible paper they’re so thin and I took the chamois out ‘coz that’s quite heavy I mean it’s impossible to sit down and I cut the logos off, my helmet is a Specialized Evade which is like the lightest helmet ever made all in all this is the lightest it’s possible to be I mean I could shave a bit of weight off if I was just naked I might try that I mean I’ve shaved all my hair off like I mean totally all over, these are Giro Empire shoes which are the lightest ever made and I cut the laces right down to save a bit more weight I don’t wear socks any more this bike is just amazing it’s almost invisible it would literally just fly up the hills I just need to lose a few grams myself I’m already down to 95 kilos I don’t know maybe if I removed the cables that would save a few grams and thinned down the tyres and took the tubes out and scraped the paint off and took all the logos off I wonder if that would help it’s all about marginal gains I read somewhere I’ve seen this new bike it’s a Storck and the review said it was like totally the lightest bike ever maybe I could get that coz then I could beat Sonny up the hills if only I had a lighter bike.

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